*this is going to be a long one! you've been warned.*
**this is not completely photography related, just so you know. or is it?**
***you know this is going to be a meaty post when there are this many warnings at the top! yikes!***
I just had a sort of epiphany- and I thought I'd share because hey, maybe I'm not the only one who's experienced this situation before. The past few weeks I've been a little down. Not enough to ruin my day but the type of down that nags at you in the quiet moments. That unsettling feeling that is compiled of so many different things that you can't really even put your finger on it to fix it- so you just keep ignoring it. Because if you were to actually take the time to face it, it may require (gasp!) actually changing your behavior. Which seems like would be great- because then you wouldn't feel down anymore- but I know that in my case, I secretly hold onto things because they are 'easier' because they are comfortable and familiar. Dealing with issues means a little unearthing process, light shining into darkness, and maybe a little pain (think pruning tree branches). So today I was hanging around and editing some cool family photos that I am almost done with (yay!)- as this nagging feeling got bigger and really started to interfere with my head. I tried to go about my business while inside praying like heck for Jesus to help me. I did the usual, try to listen to music, maybe eat something, maybe do ANYTHING ELSE but deal with the issues at hand. I realized it was time to face this thing- whatever the heck it even was that was building into a monster in my heart. I've stolen the phrase from my friend at church that when you are facing a battle 'reach for your sword!', my sword being the word of God (hebrews 4:12). Sometimes the best way for me to do this is in praise! After much ignoring of the fact that I was struggling, I started singing songs in my room, the first few that came to mind. Then I realized something- as all the nagging-ness (is that a word?) came to a head, what really is my problem lately. As I sung out loud 'Refiner's fire, my heart's one desire is to be holy, set apart for you Lord, ready to do your will'. I choked on the words a bit. My heart's one desire is the be holy and ready to do His will? Is it really? Thats nice lip service to pay to God but do I mean it? Am I acting like that, thinking like that, loving like that and living like that? There's a nice little line in this
sho baraka song that says 'I've got to be like Jacob, more holy- less hip'. It seems like lately (maybe its too much new years pressure to be better and bigger and more successful than the year before) I have been bombarded by self doubt. I have seen AMAAAAAAAAAZING photographers right and left and have gotten a teensy bit jealous. I have a little on going list in my head of the new lenses and gear that i want to get as I can afford it. Lately it has been glaring me in the face, saying THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO BE BETTER. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO BE MORE SUCCESSFUL. In combination with this, is the feeling that I am at a plateau. As an artist, I always want to be growing and changing, and improving. But that should not come at the expense of my self confidence. Everything I have God has given to me. He knows me intimately and knows my needs before I even know I need them. So why have I started to stray off the path and try to control my own future? Saying that if I only have this this and this I'll be happier, or once I move here I'll be more successful, etc etc etc ETC. I guess it is the classic case of Adam & Eve. I mean, their sin was that they did not trust God. They were told that God was keeping good things from them, so they reached out to take what they thought they needed and 'help' themselves. This is so me lately. I mean, HELLO ANNA, has God EVER failed you? Has he EVER ceased to be faithful? Has he ever stopped being GOOD? FAITHFUL and GOOD are core elements of His character! Anyways. So here is the summation of my epiphany for any of you that have read this far in this longest post ever. As God humbled me to the ground- He reminded me. Success to Him is NOT what the world calls success. My purpose, my calling is to serve. Wherever I am and with whatever means I am provided with- my purpose in Christ is to LOVE and put others above myself at all times. I need to be THANKFUL for all the things I DO have, and not buy into the striving mentality of discontent, which always gets me absolutely NOWHERE. God has built this business. anna joy photo would be nowhere if not for my God. He has brought BEAUTIFUL and AMAZING and WONDERFUL clients to work with, who have blessed me SO MUCH by the hearts they share with me, and the trust and faith they have in me and my work. "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33). Jesus knows what I need to serve my clients best. He knows the things I want as well. But above all I want to want HIM. And I want to love others. And if getting a few new lenses, of moving here or there, doing this or that or whatever silly things I put in my life as my 'functional savior' at the moment keep me from HIS PURPOSES for my life, (hi run on sentence!) then I DONT WANT THEM. I need an undivided heart- not a heart for my plans and a heart for His plans (Psalm 86:11). Thank Jesus that his grace towards me will never stop abounding!! (2 corinthians 9:8)
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing
greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having
a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through
faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. [Phillipians 3:7 - 9]
MORE PHOTOS COMING SOON. I'm going stir crazy- its about time to GET OUTSIDE AND RUN AROUND and take some awesome pictures AND GET IN THE GAME! WOOOOOHOO! STAY TUNED!! :) :)
<33annajoy
randomness
(creepy?!)
(creepy?!)
